


Disguised As A Girl

by Eustacia Vye (eustaciavye)



Category: Firefly
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-24
Updated: 2011-01-24
Packaged: 2017-10-15 01:23:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/155544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eustaciavye/pseuds/Eustacia%20Vye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>River knew she was a weapon disguised as a girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disguised As A Girl

River curled herself into a tight ball in one of the hidden compartments of the cargo hold. The nightmare still clung to her, and she couldn’t shake it free. She was better now, Simon said. She didn’t have to feel this way. She was _better._

Only, she knew she really wasn’t. She didn’t have the heart to tell Simon that.

They needed her; she could feel the concern of the others pressing in on her like a weight. They knew the ship would fly true, and she had set the coordinates before trying to sleep. It was lonely in her bunk, with only nightmares and blood and death. Simon never understood why they bothered her so much, why she couldn’t simply push the thoughts away. But then, he didn’t have to live through it. He still didn’t believe what she was truly capable of.

River knew better, knew she was a weapon disguised as a girl.

“C’mon out, I know you’re there,” Jayne called softly. She could ignore it if she wanted to, but his flavor of concern was different. It was difficult to explain in linear terms so that others could understand it without implying the true nature of their relationship. Simon would freeze and assume that Jayne had taken advantage of her. He would never understand that it had been the other way around, that River had needed someone who wouldn’t fear her skills.

Jayne sometimes feared the “crazy,” but he didn’t fear _her._ Not anymore.

River rolled out of the compartment, tears drying on her cheeks. “They whisper of blood and steel,” she whispered. “They tell me about the taste of flesh and bone and that I’ll learn how to sing in screams.”

He sighed and pulled her close. “Same nightmare, then?”

She nodded against his chest, breathing in the scent of him. He was leather, soap, gun oil, cigar smoke and something that was unmistakably Jayne. His scent alone calmed her, and he knew just how to settle her with a touch. “I want it to go away. I don’t feel safe alone anymore.”

“We need to tell the others, River,” Jayne said with a sigh. “You can’t go creepin’ into my bunk forever.” His hands rested comfortably along the small of her back, keeping her body pressed flush against his. “Be best if you stayed with me, you know.”

The thought terrified her. What if the nightmares didn’t stop? What if she hurt him in his sleep?

Jayne lifted the skirt of her dress and slipped a hand beneath her panties. “Not sayin’ right away, mind,” he continued, feeling her disquiet. “But slow. So’s the Doc don’t cut me open thinkin’ I did something bad.”

River pushed herself up on her tip toes and brushed her lips against his. “No airlock for you, my Jayne. I like you breathing.”

“I like me breathing, too,” he agreed with a smile. “You ought to work on him. Kaylee might help, you know. He might not mind so bad.”

He was only gentle like this with her, she knew. She needed it. She needed balance and calm, something simple to cut through the swirling morass of thoughts and memories in her mind. “I’ll think on it,” she said finally, not sure if she really would.

Jayne accepted it and kissed her, slow and steady. He lifted her up against him, letting her nimble fingers undo his belt and jeans. She wriggled out of her underwear without breaking the kiss, and he pressed his fingers against her bared flesh. He stroked her slowly, gently, only picking up speed when she was slick against him and her breath was fracturing in his mouth. He swallowed her cries and let her dig her fingers into his arms when she came. River reached between them to stroke his length, and she sighed contentedly at the feel of him pushing inside her. “I want this all the time,” he growled at her.

River buried her face in the crook of his neck. “Me, too. Please, Jayne,” she whispered, holding onto him tightly. “Harder. Like that.”

Her breath fractured as he picked up the pace, slamming into her. They both were as quiet as they could be, the cargo hold silent and still all around them. Jayne’s grunt of release seemed almost too loud in the silence. River clung to him, not willing to let him go just yet. _Don’t leave,_ she almost wanted to say. It was painful to realize how much she cared about him, how much she needed him near her. This had to be love.

But weapons didn’t love. Weapons didn’t feel. She was a weapon disguised as a girl, and the disguise was nearly flawless.

Jayne cupped her face in his hands and kissed her mouth again. She was the only one he kissed this way, the only one that mattered this much. That had to be love, too.

“Promise me you’ll talk to them?” Jayne said, looking her in the eye. He knew she found it difficult to refuse promises.

“I promise,” she said. Even as she said the words, she knew them for the lie it was.

Satisfied, Jayne kissed her again. “I’ll leave my bunk open.”

River nodded and watched him go. They had to maintain the pretense that they were little more than strangers. It was for his safety, but not in the sense that he thought. Simon wouldn’t like it if she loved Jayne, but he would accept it. You couldn’t help who you loved, after all. The others would be surprised, but they would all accept it in time.

She was the problem. She knew that, even if no one else did. She was a weapon, and it was only a matter of time before she was triggered again. River didn’t want to hurt anyone, least of all Jayne, so she had to stay behind this last defensive wall.

It hurt, but it was only fair. Weapons caused pain, after all. This was what she was made for.


End file.
